god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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