I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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