i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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