hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
