Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
