Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Mom said you looked used
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
