if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize