the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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