yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
