That's intense
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
not ubering you a puppy
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