you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
