Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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