My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
