When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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