Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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