A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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