I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
