You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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