i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
