I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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