Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
