I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
