In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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