two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
