Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize