And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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