like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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