you traded sex for a burrito?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
