Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
