Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
