I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
