I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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