Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize