i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
