Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
