Don't make out with my wife yet
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
