Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
