I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
