just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
