I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
