I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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