From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
