My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
