That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
