I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize