Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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