real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
