We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
