Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
