you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
