Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
