gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She bit a glass in half.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Still dying that you shit outside
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
