I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize