a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
