Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
