i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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