Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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