I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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