There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
