Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
