Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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