I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
