Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
