I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
