if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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