I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
