i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize