I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
