I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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