this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
