so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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