it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
