maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
