Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
