I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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