Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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