He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
