Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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