I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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