I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
