drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
